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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553154">champagne problems</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersmischief/pseuds/maraudersmischief'>maraudersmischief</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:15:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,301</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28553154</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersmischief/pseuds/maraudersmischief</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This book is a wolfstar au based off of taylor swift's song "champagne problems". There are lyrics from the song incorporated throughout the story. They don't have magic in this au, but everything else is pretty much the same. Hogwarts is just a fancy private school, not a wizarding school. It's also set in modern times so they have iphones and such. The plotline is pretty much self-explanatory, it follows the song champagne problems so listen to that if you haven't. There's no smut. enjoy :)</p><p> </p><p>I do not own anything Harry Potter or Taylor Swift</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Marauders Era</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. happiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi I know british schools don't have like actual graduation but just live with it! Hogwarts is literally the exact same just without magic. this is a short chapter</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>PART ONE</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Calm Before the Storm </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus woke up that morning the same way he seemed to wake up every morning; His bedframe being violently shaken by two boys with extremely messy hair. He didn’t have to open his eyes to know that it was them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gits,” Remus muttered shortly before groaning dramatically and flipping onto his stomach, pillow over his head. His pillow muffled the two pairs of footsteps walking closer to his end of the bed, but did nothing to protect him against their voices. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My dearest Padfoot, would you care to do the honors?” James Potter spoke in an unusually posh accent considering his accent was already quite posh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Prongsie. It would be my </span>
  <em>
    <span>pleasure</span>
  </em>
  <span> ol’ chap!” Remus could practically hear the smile in his voice. His accent sounded equally as fanciful as James’ did since they’d been practicing the matching accents for 7 years now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus tensed when 5 seconds passed in complete silence. They shook the bed, did the posh accents, the only thing left in their routine was to-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He briefly heard a shout of “MOOOONYYYY” before the full weight of a skinny teenage boy belly-flopped onto his back and wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck. The second boy, heavier than the first due to years of building up muscle, landed on top of the other two and ripped the pillow from Remus’ head as the skinnier boy peppered Remus’ cheek with kisses. Between each peck, Sirius was saying, “wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>James stood again and chose to hit Remus in the ass with his pillow over and over to the beat of his chant, “Today is the day! Today is the day!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m up. I am awake. I could stand if you got off of me, though.” Remus looked into Sirius’ eyes as he said this. Sirius looked back with complete adoration in his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Carry me, mi Amor!” Sirius tightened his arms around Remus’ neck and wrapped his legs around his hips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus groaned in mock annoyance and pushed himself off the bed with Sirius on his back. He depended fully on his arms as he swung the rest of his body off the bed and planted his bare feet on the ground. Sirius lifted himself to save himself from slipping and Remus took the time to let his eyes adjust to the room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The four boys of the dorm had started panic packing the night before, and there was clear evidence thrown across the room. Sirius’ records were tossed lazily in-- or rather, </span>
  <em>
    <span>at--</span>
  </em>
  <span> his backpack. Peter had stripped his bed completely while looking for something, every single item of clothing they all owned was strewn across the floor, and the bathroom counter which was just visible through the ajar door was littered with all their toiletries. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus looked ahead at James who was looking determinately at his phone. Sirius had his head rested on his own arm, looking up at Remus. He knew what they were both thinking-- it would take hours to pack. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lils sent us a list!” James spoke up as Remus, Sirius still clutching on to his neck, made way to brush his teeth. Sirius spoke up from the left of his head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, a list? Are we going shopping?” Remus could hear the excitement in Sirius’ voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, she sent us a list of everything we have to pack. She packed last week because she’s perfect.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’ve been busy! We were planning the prank, executing the prank, hiding from Filch, and writing your speech!” Sirius said. He was still latched onto Remus’ neck, not wanting to let go and Remus not wanting him to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus spit out his toothpaste, rinsed his mouth while making sure Sirius’ hair doesn’t get wet, and headed out the bathroom to attempt the pile of clothes. His shoulders started to get tired, so he turned to Sirius (who was already looking at him) and told him to start packing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can pack for me! I like how you organize things.” Sirius pleaded. Remus knew why Sirius didn’t want to pack. They had discussed graduation a million times, and every time they did Sirius announced that he didn’t want to think about it. Remus hates the sad look he gets in his eyes when he’s reminded that he can’t stay at Hogwarts forever. He doesn’t want to grow up, and Remus understands that, but Remus is also itching to get his shit together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus placed Sirius down on the end of his bed after coming to the conclusion that he or James would be the one packing Sirius’ things. Sirius smiled to himself and scooted backward to lay under the covers of Remus’ bed and watch him pack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus looked over to Sirius and smiled softly at his black hair spread across his own pillow because Remus knew it would smell like his shampoo. They locked eyes and Sirius’ sleepy face split into a smile. Remus smiled back and looked back down at the clothes in his hands to hide his red cheeks. Sirius and James started talking about graduation, debating if they should pull a prank at the ceremony while Remus continued picking up clothes and chimed in occasionally. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It would be a big finish!” Sirius implored, now sitting up with Remus’ comforter draped over his shoulders. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We already </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>a big finish, pads,” Remus spoke up from the corner where he was organizing Sirius’ records. Sirius brushed him off with a wave of his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t count! That was just the yearly end of term prank. This is huge, this is graduation.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lily would murder me. I’m head boy, I can’t prank the ceremony.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What if no one knew it was us?” Sirius offered. Remus heard James pause and could practically feel him thinking, so he turned to fully face them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A grand prank at graduation… Yeah, there’s no way McGonagall would figure that one out,” He said, half laughing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this time, Lily walked in and announced, “It’s showtime boys! Where the hell are your gowns?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stood in the doorway with her hands at her hips, eyes darting between the three boys. Her eyes then raked over the room and she rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ceremony is starting in 15. Re, James, we have to be there in 10. And no prank please.” Then she turned on her heel and walked out of the dorm, closing the heavy oak door behind her. James stood and wiped his hands on his jeans before clapping them together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright lads, you heard the general. It’s milestone time!”  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. evergreen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus felt like the sun was burning off the right side of his face. He squinted his eyes to look past Dumbledore to search the audience. Peter was sitting in the second row to Remus’ right and shot him a discreet wave when their eyes met, to which he responded to with a smile. He then made dead eye contact with Sirius, who of course had planned for the sun and wore sunglasses. </p><p>Sirius was already looking at him. He raised his glasses and shot Remus a wink, and Remus responded with an eye roll. He turned to look at James, seated to his right, and then Lily, on his left. James was focused on the piece of paper in his hands, folding and unfolding it over and over again. Lily was staring at her shoes, either zoned out or listening very closely to the headmaster’s speech. </p><p>Remus looked back at Sirius and found himself not wanting to look away. His hair had fallen in his eyes and his cap was perched on the top of his head as if it was about to fall off. There were small beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. He was fiddling with the sleeve of his gown and bouncing his leg up and down. Remus could see the black skinny jeans he was wearing under the gown. He was staring at Sirius when he felt James stand up next to him and make his way over to the podium. Remus, Lily, Peter, and Sirius all adjusted in their seats to sit up straighter and listen to him speak.</p><p>“Hello, Hogwarts students and emotional parents! I feel like I don’t have to introduce myself but since I like saying my own name, I’m James Fleamont Potter and I am, by some miracle, the head boy here at Hogwarts.</p><p>Hogwarts doesn’t have superlatives, so I decided to make some of my own to spice up my speech a little. Severus Snape, worst hair. Sirius Orion Black, best hair,” James paused so Sirius could stand and give a bow, and half of the crowd laughed, “Worst dancer: Peter Pettigrew. But he’s also the best singer, for some reason. Best, cutest, and most attractive couple has to go to James and Lily,” James turned and winked at Lily, who shot back a smile, before continuing, “Cutest butt: Remus John Lupin!” </p><p>“Hey watch yourself, Potter!” Sirius’ voice piped up from the audience, causing a ripple of laughter. Remus looked over to see that James was laughing too.</p><p>“Okay, okay. Now time for my speech!” James cleared his throat, “Hogwarts is my home. I’ve learned so much, I’ve met the people that I’m keeping by my side forever, I’ve heard McGonagall drop the F-bomb once. But most importantly, I really lived here. The common room was empty when we came down for graduation, and it had been cleaned like it is every year. I looked at Sirius and told him how it was once a madhouse in here. He threw his arm around my shoulders, laughed, and said ‘I guess it was made for us, then, huh?’ and it was. It was home.</p><p>It’s crazy to me that one day in the future someone’s gonna have the audacity to deck those halls that we once walked- nay, ran- through every day as if we owned the bloody place. If I were Remus, I would say that our friend group is evergreen. You know, the trees that never wilt and lose their leaves? That’s us. But I’m not Remus, so all I have to say is good luck, congratulations, and I love Lily Evans!”</p><p>Everyone in the audience laughed and applauded, save for Severus Snape who sat there stone-faced. Remus looked at Lily to see her blushing and shaking her head with a smile. James walked over and kissed her before he sat down. Remus looked at Sirius, silently praying that James meant it when he said they were evergreen. </p><p>・・・</p><p>The graduation ceremony had dragged on. The highlight was James playing Back in Black when Sirius’ name was called and Thunderstruck when it was Peter’s turn. He also attempted to play a vomiting sound when Snape came up, but Lily gave him a murderous look and Remus thought James was going to pee his pants out of pure terror. </p><p>They were all piled into the common room now. The train didn’t leave until tomorrow, so everyone had one last night to spend in the castle. Each house was having its own respective party, with rumors floating around about the whole school going for a swim in the black lake at midnight. Remus was sitting with one leg draped over an armchair and a Rum and Coke in his right hand. He was listening to Marlene talk about soccer, even though he understands it just as much as James trying to explain lacrosse to him or Lily explaining ancient runes. He liked watching how fiery she got about the sport, though. But suddenly she wasn’t talking about soccer anymore and the sparks in her eye dissolved. She was asking about Sirius.</p><p>“How are you two? I saw you practically eye-fucking at the ceremony. As per usual.” She rolled her eyes playfully and leaned back in her chair. They were sitting directly across from each other, and Remus’ leg could just reach her shin to kick her. </p><p>“We do not eye-fuck. Sirius does.” Remus remarked, sending himself and Marlene into a fit of laughter. He felt a presence leaning on the back of his chair. He glanced up to see Sirius grinning back at him.</p><p>“What do I do?” Sirius questioned. Before Remus could answer, Sirius leaned down and gave him a quick kiss, then turned to Marlene, “What’s up with you and mary, hm?” He raised an eyebrow.</p><p>Remus watched Marlene blush uncharacteristically and look down into her cup. </p><p> </p><p>“We’re getting an apartment together. We’re moving in tomorrow, my parents are helping,” She looked back up at both of them with a sheepish smile. Remus’ heart swelled for her.</p><p>“That’s amazing, Mar! I’ve never seen you so lovey-dovey about someone.” Marlene rolled her eyes and shot Remus a friendly glare.</p><p>“I am not lovey-dovey. And anyway, what about you two?” Remus and Sirius looked at each other, then turned to Marlene.</p><p>“What do you mean, what about us two?” Sirius moved to sit down on the couch to Remus’ immediate left, stealing Remus’ glass from his hand and still looking at Marlene as he did so.</p><p>“Apartment? House? Cardboard box? Moving in with the Potters? What's your plan?” Marlene was leaning back and absentmindedly twirling a bit of her blond hair around her finger. Remus glanced over at Sirius, who was looking into the glass that was formerly Remus’ as if it had the answer at the bottom of it. Then his head jerked back up like he was brought back to the present and he leaned back into the couch with his arm on the back of it, legs crossed.</p><p>“I don’t like thinking about the future,” He said simply. </p><p>Marlene scoffed and said, “Well you kinda just graduated, Sirius. If there’s any time to think of the future it’s now or never, babe.”</p><p>Remus knew how this conversation was going to go, he had tried multiple times. Sirius gets dodgy with the subject of the future as if death is looming over his shoulder and he’s being forced to live in the here and now.</p><p>The furthest Remus got with the subject was the month before term, they were both staying with James and decided to share a bed. The topic was casually brought up at dinner, but it was James being questioned about him and Lily. Remus had watched how sure he was with all of his answers, so that night Remus asked Sirius some of his own questions. It took a few minutes of convincing and pleading for Sirius to finally mumble, “I just never thought I’d make it past 11”.</p><p>The response had broken Remus’ heart, and he couldn’t think of anything to say so he had just wrapped Sirius tight in his arms and kissed his forehead. Remus remained silent on the subject after that.</p><p>Remus brought himself out of his thoughts to look back at Sirius and watch him swirl the drink around the cup. He took a long, slow sip with his eyes trained on the bottom of the glass. Then he handed the glass back to Remus, rubbed his palms on his legs, and walked away without another word.</p><p>Marlene looked at Remus with a severely confused expression. He shook his head.</p><p>“He always does that. Despises the whole conversation. It’s not your fault.” Then he stood and joined James and Lily.</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, Remus felt anxious as he fell asleep. He was excited but also nervous to leave Hogwarts behind and step foot into his life. He wondered what his friend group would look like in 5 or 10 years. He lied awake thinking of when they would have kids, how many they would each have, who Peter would get married to, where they would all live. He didn’t know how long he had been staring at the ceiling when Sirius crawled in next to him and mumbled, “I can’t sleep”. He tangled his hands into the familiar mess of black hair and they fell asleep peacefully.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. four years later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Skipping ahead to four years after their graduation!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, I'm sorry if this is feeling rushed, I'm just really excited to get to all the angst because I'm not as good at writing happy stuff as I am at writing the sad stuff. So I am going to be rushing a bit, but the rest of the story will not be as rushed I promise! Also, I'm sorry if the whole "argument inside his head" thing seems like I'm copying All the Young Dudes. I really promise I'm not and I realized that they're similar after writing it! All of my writing is stuff I come up with on my own and I would never deliberately copy another work!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus was standing at Lily and James’ apartment door, drumming his fingers against his thigh. He couldn’t quite make out what Lily’s mood was when they were on the phone, but he knew she sounded nervous and a little bit excited. The door opened, revealing Lily in black sweats and one of James’ old lacrosse t-shirts. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, a few strands falling and framing her face, and she was holding half a cheeseburger in her left hand. With her right, she grabbed Remus and yanked him in without saying a word, beaming from ear to ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’re here. James is with Sirius right now, and I just knew that the minute Sirius heard, his gossipy ass would tell you, so I need to beat him to the punch. I didn’t even know James was gonna tell Sirius today! Of course, James insisted we told you two together, but I wanted to tell you myself because-” They were now in the living room. Remus was sitting on the couch watching her pace back and forth and gesturing wildly in the air with her cheeseburger like a conductor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lils.” She stopped mid-bite and turned to Remus with ketchup on the side of her mouth. Lily swiped at it with her thumb, swallowed, and sat next to Remus. She looked like she was giving herself a pep talk before jumping out of an airplane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right. Get to the point.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus kept his eyes trained on Lily as she placed her lunch on the coffee table in front of her and rubbed her hands on her thighs anxiously. Her eyes were darting around her and James’ shared apartment. It was a one-bedroom, small but perfect for the two of them, and the decor perfectly represented their two personalities. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Remus was letting his gaze linger around the living room, something caught his eye. Cardboard boxes were everywhere, most of them empty and awaiting to be used, some already taped and sealed, and some half-full. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily took a deep breath, but before she spoke, Remus did. “You’re moving? That’s the big news?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily’s face froze and her cheeks went bright red. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not exactly. Well, yes. We’re moving. But we’re not really emotionally attached to this apartment. It is a bit weird, moving to a new place after three and a half years but we’re not doing it just for fun. We- I-” Lily was toying with her wedding ring. She closed her eyes and took one big deep breath before speaking again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m pregnant.” She said the words in one exhale.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus’ face immediately lit up. He picked Lily up off the couch and spun her around once, then suddenly put her down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, I’m gonna make the baby seasick. How long? Where are you moving to? Sirius is going to want to throw a party.” Remus’s brain was working at a million miles a minute, and every emotion he’d ever felt was running around his body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was ecstatic for James and Lily. James had always wanted a kid. Ever since their first year at Hogwarts James was daydreaming about teaching his child how to play lacrosse, helping them through their first heartbreak, even something as small as taking them to the dentist. Lily, on the other hand, was just a natural-born mother. Remus could recall a million and one instances where Lily was making sure Remus was happy, that he ate, that he did his homework, or that he had drunk enough water that day. The two of them, James and Lily, had been somewhat of the parents of the Marauders even when Lily hated him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, that’s what I’m hoping they’re doing right now. We’re supposed to move in the day after tomorrow but as you can see,” she gestured at the room around her, “we’re not exactly packed and ready to go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I can see that. But you know James has his weird obsession with packing, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily flopped back down on the couch and grabbed her cheeseburger again. Remus followed, his eyes looking at the muted television playing an infomercial.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about you two?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You mean, is Sirius pregnant? Not that I know of.” Lily slapped him in the arm playfully and scoffed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, dumbass, I mean have you talked about the future at all yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Remus thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I hate this fucking question. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course, Remus wanted a future, and of course, he wanted it with Sirius. But over the last five years of their relationship, Sirius has gracefully avoided the topic altogether. Remus felt like he was walking in a minefield when the topic of marriage got brought up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They shared an apartment now, a small one-bedroom just like James and Lily’s. But James and Lily had </span>
  <em>
    <span>planned</span>
  </em>
  <span> to move in together. With Sirius and Remus, it just kind of happened. A lot of the time, Remus would catch himself thinking that there wasn’t a future there, that if Sirius did want a future, it wasn’t one with Remus. He would sit in that thought for a few minutes, digging himself into a deeper hole with every “What If?” that he came up with. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every time he had this thought he shut it down immediately. It was ridiculous to think that Sirius didn’t want a future with him. It was foolish, grade-school type thinking, and it would drive him mad one day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily took Remus’ silence as an answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you just have to, as James would say, pull trig. Just propose.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wished he could argue with that, but it was quite a good idea. Whether Sirius said yes or pushed Remus over and spat in his face, he would have an answer either way. Maybe the solution wasn’t to have a conversation at all. He watched a woman on the TV spin in a circle in a field to advertise medicine and then turned to Lily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean I do have my mom’s wedding ring. She gave it to me when Sirius and I started dating.” Lily’s eyes lit up at the idea of Remus taking her idea seriously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hope has always been quite the optimist.” She giggled, but it died away at the formation of an idea. She shot straight up and slapped her hand on Remus’ thigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do it at my housewarming party!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lily I can’t propose at </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>party! It’s you and James’ night, it’s not about me.” He sat up, too, so he could now fully see the fire igniting in her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, please. Just do it in private! Besides, technically it’s the house’s night, so if you propose in the house you’re not making it about you! Do it, do it, do it, do it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus leaned back into the couch in a trance. His proposing to Sirius was something he’d imagined over and over, but he never actually believed it would come true. Sirius always seemed a little out of reach to him, even when they had their first kiss and their first date and moved in together. Being with Sirius felt like trying to take a picture of you pinching the moon, and you can never figure out the right angle or hand placement to get it just right. But proposing would put the moon right in between his fingers, and after that, he would either carry it in his palm or it would roll away like a marble.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked at Lily, who was still sitting up with her hand on his thigh and waiting for his decision. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I’ll do it.” Lily squealed and now it was her turn to wrap her arms around Remus in pure excitement. He was somewhat shocked at how easy the decision was for him to make, but he knew he was sure of his love for Sirius and he thought Sirius was too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily and Remus were hugging and laughing when the door swung open and Sirius and James jumped through the doorway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you tell him?!” James practically yelled. His eyes were wide with excitement and his face was showered in nothing but the purest joy. Sirius was smiling as he jogged over to the couch. He grabbed Remus’s arms and pulled him out from under Lily, who stood up at the same time to greet her husband. Sirius laid down along the length of the couch and pulled Remus in to lay on his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re having a baby,” He whispered into Remus’ hair. The word </span>
  <em>
    <span>we</span>
  </em>
  <span> sent goosebumps all over his body. Remus tilted his head up to meet his lover’s eyes, which were swimming with love and laughter. His small grin broke into a squinty smile upon making eye contact.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus folded his hands across Sirius’s chest and rested his chin atop his interlocked fingers. They held each other’s eye contact, wordless love passing between them like telepathy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Earth to loverboys!” James was shouting at the couple before he gave up and jumped on the two of them. It took Remus back to those mornings when one of them wouldn’t get out of bed and the other boys took matters into their own hands. The energy in the room felt just like the Hogwarts dorm, with the absence of Peter. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They never talked about Peter, and whenever they did the room would get silent. The day after everybody arrived home from school after graduation, the three boys’ texts were lighting up with messages from their mutual friends to alert them that Peter was now best friends with Snape and was overheard saying that Remus, Sirius, and James were awful people and he hated them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t miss him, exactly. It was just weird when they had moments like this and he wasn’t there. Regardless, he dismissed the thought and brought himself back into the present, where he was struggling to breathe under the weight of James. Him and Sirius were singing </span>
  <em>
    <span>We Are the Champions</span>
  </em>
  <span> at a deafening volume. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Prongs, could you </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> get off of me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t! Lily’s sitting on my back and I can’t push her off because she’s pregnant with the best looking child on the face of the planet!” Remus craned his neck around James to see that Lily was, in fact, sitting upright on James’ back with her phone in her hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God damnit Lily, I think I can actually hear Siri’s ribs cracking under me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you calling my wife fat?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m calling </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>fat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>James scoffed in mock offense, then Lily hopped off and innocently pranced over to the bathroom, giggling to herself the whole way. Now Remus felt no guilt in shoving James off of him roughly. He made his way to stand before a delicate hand was wrapped around his upper arm and tugging him back down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No no moony lay with me for a second!” Sirius was making puppy dog eyes up at Remus, but he really didn’t need to be asked twice. He smiled softly to himself as he nestled back into Sirius’ chest and looked at the television. Whenever good things happened, Sirius liked to do what he called “sit in the moment”, and he would hold Remus to his chest and just absorb the happiness of everything together. Remus would never say it to his face, but it really did make him happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he laid on Sirius’ chest, eyes trained on the television which was now showing a crime show Lily was obsessed with, Remus thought hard about the proposal. When his mother had given him the ring, she told him to make sure the time was right. As far as Remus was concerned, the time had been right since the moment he set eyes on Sirius Black. He just didn’t know how his counterpart felt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was an argument happening in Remus’ brain between his own voice and one belonging to Lily. The latter was yelling </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s been 5 years! Do it! </span>
  </em>
  <span>while his own voice began to list off all the reasons it was a terrible idea. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus pulled his eyes away from the TV and he looked up at Sirius. He was beautiful like he was handmade by God himself. The TV screen was reflecting in his bright moon-gray eyes, which were wrapped in crinkles from the closed mouth smile spreading across his face. He looked happy, and it was always moments like these that made Remus want to lock him in a permanent embrace and make sure nobody ever hurt him again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Invisible strings tugged at his heart as he thought about how deeply he loved the man before him, so he contently laid his head back onto his chest, inhaled his scent, focused his hearing on the heartbeat under his head, and closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><ul>
<li><span>•  •</span></li>
</ul><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remus! Moony! Darling! Honey! Sweetie!” Remus was being shaken vigorously by the shoulders and a familiar, smooth voice was speaking in his ear. He opened his eyes and saw James’ Potters’ looking back at him, centimeters away from his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ, Prongs!” Remus exclaimed, springing up into a sitting position. Sirius was still under him, laughing so hard that the vibrations rang through Remus’ own body like a bell. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just so you know, I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>the one calling you darling. I personally prefer calling you munchkin,” James said coolly as he leaned back and placed his hands on the floor behind him. Sirius was still laughing. Remus found himself wishing it would never end, that he could bottle up the sound and play it whenever he wished. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did I fall asleep?” He rubbed at his eyes and looked around. It was still light out, but the sun was clearly lower in the sky than it was earlier. The TV was now playing James and Sirius’ favorite baking show at a particularly loud volume. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes you did. And blimey, are yo one heavy sleeper babe.” Sirius reached up and smoothed Remus’ hair as he spoke, complete adoration clearly mixing in with the gray of his eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I felt like we were back at school. You even missed Lily threatening my life!” James added. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well yeah, Prongs, that happens so often I’ve begun to drown it out. What did you do this time?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nothing!” James threw his hands in the air and leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs, “She wanted to go to the store to get stuff for our party, but I said that I should go because I’m not carrying around the world’s future youngest captain of the Gryffindor Lions. But her being the strong independent woman that she is, she insisted she would go herself. She also said I put too much junk food and unnecessary things into the cart, whatever that means. So she threatened to run me down with the car if I didn’t stay home and here I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus had been struggling to contain his laughter while James was speaking, but as soon as the last words came out of his mouth, he couldn’t keep it in. Soon the other two joined in, and they sat there laughing for the next five minutes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once they settled down, Sirius motioned for Remus to get off of him so he could adjust his position. He sat upright with his back against the couch, and Remus shimmied in beside him. Before they could get comfortable, James pushed Remus aside and slipped himself in between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is my house, I am not third-wheeling in my own house.” That was all he said before turning up the volume (although it was already loud enough) on their baking show.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few moments later the boys had been distracted from the show and began discussing a party. Sirius now had a notebook where he had written the date- the following Saturday at 8, the location- the new apartment, and had begun to compile a guest list- “Should we invite McGonagall?” “I think it would be a crime if we didn’t, actually”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Lily got home a half-hour later, they filled her in on all of their planning so she could make her own suggestions and begin to think of her own guests. Then she ordered Sirius and James to bring the groceries in and dragged Remus by his hand into the bedroom. She quite literally, and quite aggressively, threw him into the room then shut and locked the door and turned to face him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily and James’ room was small, but Remus thought it was perfect for them. Their shared bed was in the corner of the room because James hates having one side of his bed “exposed”. James’ Hogwarts lacrosse jersey was hanging up next to both of their Head Boy and Head Girl certificates. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their bed was never made because James always insisted there was no point, and their maroon comforter was twisted and half off the bed. They each had their own dresser, sitting side by side on the opposite wall, and it was exceptionally clear which belonged to James and which belonged to Lily. James’ had a few drawers open, and a framed picture of him and his parents rested on top next to a picture of the boys from school (with Peter ripped out, and a random picture of Lily replacing the empty spot). He had also framed the ultrasound of the baby and had put heart stickers all over it and a sticky note saying “Varsity Captain of the Gryff Lions”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily’s dresser, on the other hand, had pictures and books littering the top. Only one of her drawers was hanging open, and inside was half full of baby books and cookbooks, along with a few candy wrappers and stray pens. Resting on top of one of the two stacks of books was an empty coffee cup that was shaped like a lion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let’s plan!” Lily crossed the room and sat on her bed, leaning against the wall. She grabbed a build-a-bear frog that Sirius had given her and clutched it in one arm while patting the spot beside her with the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The party? We have basically everything planned, we just need to actually tell people it’s happening.” Remus walked over to the spot Lily had indicated for him and sat crisscrossed at an angle so he could face her. Her hair was down now and tucked behind her ears, showing off the sun earrings she always wore for good luck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dumbass. No! The proposal! What are you gonna say? When are you gonna do it? I think you should do it about halfway through the party because then-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have a speech.” Remus was staring at his hands now, which were intertwined in his lap.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Already? Bloody hell you write fast.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean I’ve had a speech for a few years now. I wanted to propose a while ago, but I just never found the right time I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh you cute little thing I wanna eat you.” Remus made eye contact with her at these words to see that she was already silently laughing at what she said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” Remus was spitting out his words between his wheezes of laughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard me Moony.” They both exploded into laughter and then talked for the rest of the night about the party, the proposal, and names for the baby while Sirius and James were in the living room packing up the apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time Remus and Sirius were saying their goodbyes later that night, Remus had pushed the proposal to the back of his mind. He felt sure about it now that he and Lily had talked about it a bit more. Sirius loved him, and he loved Sirius. He found that he wasn’t nervous at the idea of getting down on one knee, it was more like he was just asking him if he wanted to go get ice cream. It was like he already knew what the answer would be, and asking was just a clarification. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, sometimes you should pay close attention to the voice inside your head that’s telling you everything will crash and burn.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. new house</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(I decided to start naming the chapters because I'm indecisive)</p><p>This is kind of a filler chapter. The next chapter is the Big Guns.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter kinda sucks. It's literally just Lily and James' house tour, but the house layout is important. Here's the link to their house's floor plan that I made for no reason:  https://floorplancreator.net/plan/shared?id=1339832&amp;code=HPQuOmlP-HJ3k4Bd</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Sirius decided the party should be held on Friday instead of Saturday because Friday was Halloween. He had also made the executive decision that everyone either wears a costume or they dress like they’re going to a royal ball. Sirius decided to do both, so he was currently dressed in a full suit with a red cape and a basket. He was Red Riding Hood, which left Remus to be the wolf.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius elected that Remus should wear a full wolf costume, but after a lengthy argument about whether or not that’s considered being a furry, he got away with wearing a tux and a headband with wolf ears. </p><p> </p><p>Remus was adjusting his coat when Sirius wolf-whistled behind him. He was leaning against their bedroom doorframe with his hands in his pockets and smirked at Remus in the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>Strutting over to wrap his hands around Remus’ waist, he said “Damn Moony, you clean up nice.” Remus leaned his head against his boyfriend’s and shoved his hands into his pockets. His right hand was turning the ring box over and over again between his pointer finger and his thumb.</p><p> </p><p>“What time is it?” Remus tried checking Sirius’ wristwatch, but Sirius pulled away, now somehow holding Remus’ wallet. Remus glanced at Sirius between the mirror then looked down at the cuffs of his sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>“Aha! You do still have it!” Sirius had pulled out a photo of himself that Remus kept in the front of his wallet. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Pads, you checked last week.”<br/><br/></p><p>“I check every week. Gotta keep you in check somehow.” Sirius looked up quickly and winked. Remus rolled his eyes and walked into the living room to find his phone. It was lying face-up on the kitchen counter and lit up with a text from Lily as soon as he approached.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> today is the big dayyyyyyyyy scale of 1-10 how excited are we </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don’t think there are enough numbers </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> AHHHHH party starts at 8 but you two have to be here at 6 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> so now. leave now. come over now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Okay i will tell red riding hood to get a move on </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> HURRY!! we’re pregaming!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> lily you’re pregnant. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i’m pregaming with snacks, not alcohol. get your ass into my new house. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Sirius! The angry pregnant woman is summoning us!” He stuffed his phone in his pocket then did the same with his keys. He was surveying their disorganized living room for anything he was forgetting when Sirius came down their short hallway with his wallet. </p><p> </p><p>“Here. I left you a surprise.” He said, pecking Remus on the cheek and walking out the apartment door.</p><p> </p><p>Remus opened his wallet and saw that the picture of Sirius, which had always sat in a clear pocket so Remus could always see it, was now face down. Sirius’ calligraphy-like handwriting was covering the back. Remus pulled it out carefully so he could avoid smudging.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> My Dearest Moony,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I will love you forever,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and I will continue checking  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> your wallet for this picture  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> every week until we die. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yours only, Siri ♡ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus’ heart could’ve exploded at that moment, and he had never been more sure about the proposal. He tucked it delicately back into its’ designated pocket, smiling to himself at the picture of Sirius. It had been taken at Lily and James’ wedding, a few hours into the reception when Sirius was well past drunk but was still in his tux with his tie undone. His smile was so wide you could practically hear his contagious laugh through the photograph. </p><p> </p><p>He jumped in the passenger’s seat of Sirius’ car to the booming of rock music. The hood of Sirius’ cape was up, and streetlight shining through the thin fabric was glowing red onto his face. The blush on his cheeks was mixing with visible happiness and at that moment he was the most radiant star in any sky. He reached his hand, palm up, over towards Remus who took it happily and kissed the back. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for my note, Red.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey my pleasure, wolfy, really.” </p><p> </p><p>Lily and James had fully moved in on Tuesday, two days after giving Remus and Sirius the news. The latter had not been allowed to see the house until the party, even with the millions of boxes that Lily and James had to move and unpack. So Sirius had to plug the new address into the GPS and refrain from speeding due to his building excitement.</p><p> </p><p>The sun was mostly set behind the horizon when they arrived, so the only light in the sky was a single strip of orange placed gently on the horizon.</p><p> </p><p>The house was at the end of a decently sized driveway, with expansive front and back yards. To the right of the house was a separate garage, connected to the driveway by a grass and stone path that clearly had plenty of parking space. There were trees peppered around the property; not so many to block the sun, but enough between them and the next house that the neighbors couldn’t see through them. </p><p> </p><p>The house itself was a pale blue, two-story, old victorian home with a wrap-around porch ending at a turret tower. Remus remembered back to Hogwarts when Lily and James both shared with him their ideal house, and he smiled at the fact that this house was almost identical. </p><p> </p><p>All of the windows had their shades pulled back, and inside Remus could see that the house was decorated exactly like James’ parents used to decorate their house for Halloween. There were pumpkin lights, fake cobwebs, and from what Remus could see there were plenty of skeletons. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as Sirius put the car in park in front of the garage, Lily came barreling out the front door. Her Halloween costume was a witch’s hat and a black off the shoulder dress with bell sleeves under a red underbust corset. The dress flared out a bit so it wasn’t too form-fitting and ended right above pair of knee-high mesh tights with lace tops, one of which was clipped to a bat garter. Tied across her chest was a mesh cape that touched the floor and brushed against her suede black ankle boots that she wore at every possible opportunity she could.</p><p> </p><p>“Boys! You’re <em> finally </em>here!” She sounded exasperated and wrapped her arms around Remus as if he had returned from war.</p><p> </p><p>“Damn, Lils, you look hot! I’m gonna go find James.” Sirius walked straight from the car to the front door while he spoke. Lily released Remus from her grasp, smoothed down the arms of his suit, and then grabbed onto his arms where she had just been smoothing the fabric.</p><p> </p><p>“Is it too much? The outfit? It’s really my last Halloween as a woman that doesn’t have children, so I wanted to be a bit elaborate.” Her eyebrows were knitted together in worry. Remus beamed at her then shook her hands off and wrapped his own arm around her shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“You look perfect, Mrs. Potter.” She giggled in response and wrapped one arm around his waist.</p><p> </p><p>“As do you, future Mr. Black. Okay, time for a house tour!” </p><p> </p><p>The inside of the house was much bigger than the outside. Lily told Remus that Fleamont, James’ dad, and James himself had been remodeling the house for three years.  The layout, furniture, posters, and rugs were all perfectly tailored to them.</p><p> </p><p>Lily was dragging Remus by the hand through the entire house, breathlessly explaining the entire renovation process. Downstairs was an open concept with a living room, dining table, and kitchen. The short hall between the stairs and the kitchen led to a bathroom and a game room that housed a pool table, a foosball table, a treadmill, and a bunch of assorted sports equipment.</p><p> </p><p>The living room had three walls, one of which was encasing the U-shaped staircase. Remus almost tripped up the steps with the force at which Lily was pulling him. Upstairs had three doors; one was a large sliding barn door, and the other two were regular-sized. </p><p> </p><p>The barn door belonged to the room Lily called her “pride and joy”. The circular nook was covered wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling with bookshelves. It immediately reminded Remus of the library from Beauty and the Beast, from the ladder that reached the topmost shelves to the armchair and the sofa perched just outside the nook. </p><p> </p><p>The right side of the room was Lily’s home office, and had two more bookshelves and her desk. The left side of the room looked like a second living room with two sofas facing each other and a fireplace. </p><p> </p><p>The library led to a bathroom that connected to the nursery. On the other side of the staircase was the master bedroom. The bed, which was brand new and much larger than the one in Lily and James’ apartment, was still pushed into the corner even with the vastness of the room. Lily walked over to a pair of glass double doors and put her hand on one of the handles.</p><p> </p><p>“And <em> this,” </em>She pushed open the door to reveal a balcony covered in plants and fairy lights and two chairs with a small table. “Is where you are going to propose!” </p><p> </p><p>Remus inhaled deeply but still felt like all the air in the world couldn’t fill his lungs and bring him back down to earth.</p><p> </p><p>He was proposing. In a few hours he would be standing in the spot where his eyes were now trained, proposing to the love of his life. He smiled at Lily’s face as the excitement and contentment silently radiated off of her face. There were images of him and Sirius living in a house like this in a few years, them babysitting the mini Potter baby, Remus putting his mom’s ring onto Sirius’ finger, their friends popping the champagne that he brought and applauding their engagement. The future that Remus always felt was so out of reach for him was finally brushing against his fingertips, and for the first time in his life he really felt he deserved to hold it.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the next chapter will bring emotional pain</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. crestfallen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>here it is!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The party was in full swing by the time it was eight o’clock. All of the guests had shown up an hour early due to Sirius telling them to without the knowledge of Lily and James. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The couple had made their announcement in a charming, organized manner. James stood up on the island and screamed that he was going to “be a daddy” while Lily was trying to get him down before he broke something. James had been so nervous to tell the party guests that he started drinking at five to calm his nerves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily had approached Remus more times than he could count asking him when he was “taking the bull by its horns”. By nine o’clock, Lily was impatient, and Remus still didn’t have an answer to her question. He needed the time to be right. His mother was also texting him once every 20 minutes. He had told his entire family his plan the day it was constructed because he didn’t think he could keep it in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One major wrench in Remus’ plan was that he kept losing Sirius in the crowd of the party. He moved from the game room to the kitchen to the booth to the living room to the bathroom and back again in the span of a millisecond. He regularly stopped in to give Remus a kiss and see how he was doing, but other than that Remus had spent the majority of his time with Lily or Marlene.   </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus told Marlene of his plan as soon as she walked into the party. Her expression had immediately morphed into anticipation, relief, and shock. The same emotions were forming a whirlpool inside Remus’ chest, threatening at any moment to suck him down into the depths of his anxieties. But it was now or never.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Interrupting a drunk rant about parenthood from James, Remus slipped out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. The music from the party was dulled now and overpowered by the people shouting cheating accusations at the pool table. Remus looked at himself in the mirror and took one very long, very slow deep breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The floor was wavy beneath him and his stomach felt like it was filled to the top with migrating geese vigorously flapping their wings. There was a knock at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One sec!” Remus called back, but he kept his own eye contact in the mirror. At the sound of his voice reaching the door, the door opened, and a redhead popped in holding a wine glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Before you yell at me, this glass is for you.” She handed him the glass then sat on the closed toilet seat, one leg crossed over the other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Talk.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About?” Remus slid down the wall and sat across from Lily on the floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not a procrastinator Moony. The only other time you’ve put off doing something was asking Sirius out in the first place, and he ended up beating you to the punch.” Her tone was amused but stern like Molly Weasley talking to her twin toddlers after they pranked her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sirius and I have planned out a future together. But we always discussed it like a ‘what if?’ scenario. Like when you’re a kid and you watch a TV show and you say to yourself ‘I could do that’, but you never actually attempt. I know what house he wants, how many kids he wants, what his wedding colors would be. I just-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop. This is Sirius we’re talking about. That boy looks at you like you’re the only good thing that’s ever happened to him. He talks about you like you actually constructed the earth with your bare hands. I have never seen anyone so deeply in love with another human.” The sternness had fled from Lily’s voice, and she now slipped off the toilet to sit closer to Remus on the floor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you question every decision in the entire world, you would never go anywhere. Even if it goes wrong, that’s okay. You just have to take all the lows as proof that there will be another high.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus stared into Lily’s eyes. They were blue and bright and always projected her emotion perfectly like a video camera.  Remus silently hoped that her baby would get her eyes and the way they soften when she cares. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, her eyes were the motivation that got Remus to push himself off her bathroom floor and dust off his pants. She stood with him with her pupils silently cheering him on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wish me luck.” Lily reached over and straightened his wolf-ear headband, then kissed him gently on the cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Luck is nothing when fate’s concerned.” She smiled and walked out of the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He followed her and surveyed each room for Sirius until he reached the living room, where Sirius was sitting on a beanbag staring at his lit-up phone screen. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were flicking all around the screen. Out of pure curiosity and a hint of confidence, Remus pulled his own phone out. He had three texts from Sirius.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>where r u </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>bae</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>this house is not big enough to keep me away from you</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A smile instinctively took over Remus’ face and he rapidly moved his fingers to type back: </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>meet me on the upstairs balcony. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His heart was racing a million miles a minute as he hastily tucked his phone away and broke into a borderline sprint up to the second story balcony. He pushed open the doors with extreme force and then gently pulled them shut.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The air outside filled Remus’ brain like water, splashing into every corner, and instantly chilling the fire that his anxiety was beginning to spark. He took another long deep breath and allowed the cool air to seep down his throat into his lungs. He exhaled every one of his doubts disguised as hot air, and then the door behind him opened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus was worried for days that the speech he had memorized would instantly leave his mind when the moment came. As he stood there looking at Sirius, however, it was like he could have written every love song in the world, all about the man before him. The moonlight and glow from the fairy lights perfectly coexisted on his face and gave Remus the illusion that Sirius was the Earth, split into night and day, holding everything up. His romantic speech was practically rewriting itself in his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You summoned?” Sirius crossed the balcony and stood to face Remus. He smelt like the fireplace and his shampoo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For what?” There was a playful expression on Sirius’ face as he smirked at Remus.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I just wanted to look at you.” The smirk broke into a smile and let out a soundless laugh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Liar.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus’ right hand was closed tightly over the ring box in his pocket, his other hand was digging fingernails into the skin. Both hands were sweaty. There was a dull numbness coursing through his body, the geese in his stomach were now creeping under his skin and their place in his stomach was filled with millions of hummingbirds. His heart was beating around his ribcage, sending the rhythm up through his veins and into his ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew all of this was happening, but all he truly saw, heard, and felt, was Sirius Black. The world outside this balcony was a dream. His entire reality was just him and Sirius, on a balcony under the moon, holding each other’s eye contact like a lifeline.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You got me,” Remus breathed out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His heart now hammering through his entire body, Remus pulled the box from his pocket and held it in shaking hands at level with his hips. He still had not taken his eyes off Sirius’, even when they darted down to the box and back up with a new film of realization on them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remus.” If the music downstairs was anything more than a distant beat, Remus probably wouldn’t have even heard Sirius say his name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Padfoot,” Remus now couldn’t look at Sirius in the eye anymore and glued his gaze to the ring box. “Before w-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus kept his head down but shifted his eyes over to Sirius’ shoes. Something was telling him to lift his head and be brave, but his brain was suddenly heavy as if the words were venom and his brain was now dead weight. His skeleton was covered in a thick layer of ice. Even if he did look up at Sirius, nothing would happen. The speech that had been writing itself was gone and something in his head told him he was rendered speechless for the rest of his life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just..” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words were dragged away by the wind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waited. Each second was a lifetime spent frozen in place. He felt like he had somehow been stuffed into someone’s artwork and couldn’t move anymore. He waited for the artist to change the scene, to take an eraser to the words, and set Remus free. He waited for the ice on his spine to melt away, for the balloon in his throat to deflate. He waited with his eyes trained to the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waited while he watched Sirius’ shoes turn and walk out of his view. He waited while he heard the door open and close. He waited while the rest of the world kept turning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The artist had put down the pencil. The artwork was done. The world was now just Remus, alone on a balcony under the moon. From the driveway, a car started and left. Remus opened the ring box. Hours ago, the wedding band was covered in diamonds. Now the diamonds were shards of glass, taken from the ruins of his glass heart.  </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. night train</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>CW: description of an anxiety attack! anxiety attacks are different for everyone, but I do want you guys to be warned in case!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t know how he got over to Lily and James’ bed and sat down. He was a puppet now and none of his movements were even his anymore. His entire body felt like TV static. He threw the ring box onto the floor like it was poison and, as far as Remus was concerned, it was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Stupid, stupid, stupid. You </span>
  </em>
  <span>knew</span>
  <em>
    <span> he didn’t want this. This is on you, Remus. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus felt the strings pull him towards the bathroom and now he was on his knees leaning over the toilet, trying to expel all of the pain and numbness from his body. His throat burned, his chest was tight, and his lungs had shrunk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A memory came to him, as he sat there with his insides burning and the world spinning. It was the very beginning of the summer after his fifth year, one year after he came to realize his feelings for Sirius. He was sitting on his mom’s bed with his head in her lap and her gentle touch running through his hair. Sirius had gotten a girlfriend a month before the school year ended, and Remus had cried to his mother for hours as soon as she opened the front door. She made him tea then brought him up to her room to talk about it with their favorite movie playing low in the background. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s killing me, mum.” He had said. His voice was thick and shaky from crying and came out as nothing more than a whisper. Hope’s left hand squeezed his shoulder and then softly stroked his upper arm.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh darling,” Hope had said, “Heartbreak is not death. It’s merely the flame to your phoenix.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another wave of nausea dragged him back to the present, where he was hunched over his friends’ toilet and replaying his mother’s words over and over again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Heartbreak is not death</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But Goddamn, did it feel just like it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt like air would never come into his lungs again. He felt like the sun had set and he somehow knew it would never come back to the sky. All of the stars had been snuffed out and left him standing alone under neverending darkness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lost track of how long he had been sitting on the bathroom floor when a slight pressure was on his shoulder, mimicking the feeling of his mother’s gentle touch. The warmth from the hand stretched through his body, melting the ice off of his bones and removing the feeling of static like he was a radio finally given a signal. He closed his eyes, relieved to have proof he was still alive. The warmth did nothing for the dead weight of his brain or the puppet strings attached to his extremities, both forcing his head to stay down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remus.” Lily’s voice slipped through the air like a ribbon. It came through Remus’ ears distorted, mixing and entwining itself with Sirius’ broken whisper on the balcony. Her voice, the comfort it always brought him, sounded tainted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eyes still trained on where the toilet met the tile, Remus opened his mouth to speak. His heart was in his throat now, blocking any words from coming out as if it would protect him from anyone else leaving. The breath stuttered in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lily was now on the floor right next to him, reading his side profile with one palm tracing circles on his back and the other on his thigh. He could feel her gaze threatening to break through his skin straight into his brain. That comfort, the delicate touch, and the unwavering stare were the anecdote for Remus’ venom-filled head and the strings controlling him finally pulled his head up and he met her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a split second, he couldn’t read them. Every emotion that had ever shown out of them was swimming in the ocean blue color. Anger, worry, disappointment, shock. How she felt was plastered all over her face and each emotion pierced through Remus’ pupils. His nose burned and his throat tightened. His lip began to tremble as he worked to fight the sob that sat at the back of this throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With sad eyes, Lily smiled softly and whispered “It’s okay. You’re safe here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then he broke. All the emotion that was taking over his body spilled out as he collapsed into Lily’s arms. He enclosed her waist in his own arms and silently cried into the crook of her neck. Remus felt vulnerable and weak, crying like he was 16 again and having his hair stroked with a delicate touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His sobs faded out and he sat there holding Lily and spilling silent tears. His head hurt, his heart ached, and he was getting a cramp in his back from leaning on Lily. The puppeteer had cut his strings and Remus was now in control of his body again, so he pulled himself away from her shoulder and sat up. He kept his eyes on the bathroom floor while wiping at the tears with his sleeve. Wiping them away was pointless; every discarded drop was replaced with a new one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How’s the party?” Remus choked out. He forced his face into an easygoing smile and looked at his best friend. She was smiling back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Everyone left and James is fast asleep.” When Remus raised his eyes with shock, she added, “I’m pregnant, so I basically have a free pass to kick everyone out of my house. Besides, my plan was a small gathering of friends, not a frat party.” She was chuckling but her eyes were still worried. Remus let out a breathy laugh to show her he was still capable of happiness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bet James’ announcement was </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> how you planned it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“In a way, it was. I elected to tell our families earlier. Just in case.” They both laughed now, real laughs that weren’t framed by the unspoken heartbreak. When the laughter died and silence fell, Remus looked back to his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You should stay the night, Re. We can cuddle up in my bed like we did the night before my wedding,” Lily spoke after a few moments. He smiled fondly at the memory of Lily calling him at 11 o’clock and he showed up for her like she just did for him on the cold floor of her bathroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I would love to, Lils, but I kinda want to sit with this pain for a bit, you know? I’ll catch a night train, I saw a stop on the way here.” He looked at her apologetically as he spoke. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, clearly choosing her words delicately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m just worried that- You know what if he’s-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” He shrugged and stood. Lily was still on the floor, staring up at him as if he was a skyscraper and she was trying to decipher what kept him upright. He extended his hands towards her and lifted her to her foot. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna be fine, Lil,” He talked as he led them out of the bathroom and in the direction of the stairs. A wave of guilt washed over him, knowing he was lying straight through his teeth, but diminished when Lily’s face showed that she knew he was full of shit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know you will be, eventually. But no one’s saying you have to be right now. I’m driving you to the train station.” Remus stopped walking when they reached the first floor and watched Lily grab her keys off a hook on the wall. He was thinking of ways he could possibly repay her for all the turmoil she’s helped him through, but there was nothing large enough. The entire universe and all of its stars, maybe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her car was in the garage which looked like any other garage except for the motorcycle parked on the leftmost side next to James’ car. Sirius couldn’t keep his motorcycle at their apartment, so James had always held on to it for him. With a brief stabbing sensation in his heart, Remus wondered when Sirius would come back into this garage and use it again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ride to the train station was short and filled with Lily’s music and stories from the party. McGonagall had indeed been invited and showed up and had a conversation with a very drunk James about how “Euphemia Potter would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> you, Minnie.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The worry in Lily’s eyes never left or wavered. Once again, as Lily squeezed his hand and told him to call her, he felt like he was sitting with his mother after the end of his fifth year, crying about the same boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The train station itself was split between plastered young adults and exhausted middle-class workers. He didn’t necessarily have to take the train home, it was only a twenty-minute Uber ride. He also clearly had the option to stay at Lily’s, but then he would feel like a burden. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While he was waiting in line for a train ticket, he debated making a hasty decision and going to his mom’s house, but all of his stuff was at the apartment, and he had tests to grade. The thought of tests led to thinking of his students and trying to make up a story as to why he and Sirius broke up (</span>
  <em>
    <span>Did we even break up? He denied your proposal with no reason and then left. Feels like a break up). </span>
  </em>
  <span>He couldn’t just avoid telling them, they were far too invested to not notice something’s wrong and ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The summer after graduation, Remus had received a phone call from Dumbledore, the headmaster, offering him a job as an English teacher. He had watched Remus tutor hundreds of students over the course of his seven years and knew that he was the sole reason Sirius passed. Everyone saw how passionate Remus was about teaching his peers, and how excited he would be when they learned something from him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His friends had thrown a party, popped a bottle of champagne, and clapped for “Professor Moony”. It was the celebration he had expected when he came down from the balcony, hand-in-hand with Sirius Black. There was no crowd of friends applauding for him this time, no cheersing glasses of Dom Perignon champagne. Only the suffocating feeling of impassable darkness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked onto the train behind a woman who reeked of beer and stood in the aisle. He didn’t bother taking the time to count, but he knew there were definitely less than 15 people loaded into the train car. It was divided almost exactly in half, the upper half playing host to drunk idiots rambling and shouting, and the lower half to the silent and sleepy workers, who all looked miserable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He surveyed all the seats for a while, holding onto the silver pole to appear casual. He couldn’t decide which side was worse for him right now. It was either being amidst the bustling crowd who would likely give him a headache after a few minutes, but at least he would be in the area of happiness, or among the silent sleepers, whose aura was increasingly depressing and exhausting, but reflected his mood perfectly. He chose a seat directly in the middle, hung his head low, and pulled out his phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The screen immediately opened up to his messaging app, specifically to a conversation between him and Sirius. Sirius’ contact name still had all different kinds of heart emojis, set by Sirius himself when he decided that “Siri &lt;3” was boring. The contact picture was a Snapchat he sent Remus of him with heart-shaped sunglasses on. Remus’ eyes scanned back down to the conversation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>meet me on the upstairs balcony</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The text was burning into his eyes and straight to his brain, sending smoke down to his heart so everything burned. Then the bubble indicating that Sirius was typing popped up, sat for a second and went away just as fast as his shoes on the balcony. </span>
  <span>Remus’ heart had actually jumped up into his throat, fell back down through his stomach, and dropped to the floor of the train. For a second longer, he let himself stare at the screen, let his thumbs hover over the keyboard, then closed the app and put his phone back in his lap. His heart was being jostled around the train floor and he had no desire to pick it up again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s killing me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope u r all enjoying this so far, comment your thoughts so far if you can!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. hollow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Remus could’ve easily taken an uber ride back to his apartment, as it was only a five-minute drive and he had enough cash on him, but there was a heavy feeling of dread that dragged him to the sidewalk. It was only a few moments before he regretted leaving himself alone with his thoughts. </span>
  <span>The first thing that popped up in his brain was why. Why spend every day with Remus, soothing his every worry and mumbling his endless love for the last six years if Sirius never actually wanted him? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After torturing himself with the questions and theories, Remus moved his focus to the apartment he was about to walk into. What if Sirius </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> there? Remus told Lily he was sure that he wouldn’t be there, but he was also sure that Sirius had loved him. What would he even say if he walked in there and Sirius was sleeping on their couch, or even worse, their bed? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t notice that he was in front of his apartment door until he had constructed an entire false conversation with Sirius in his head. Remus stood there for a while, it could’ve been minutes or hours but time didn’t really exist to him anymore. With one long, borderline painful deep breath, Remus plunged the key into the lock and opened the door with his eyes closed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The living room and kitchen were empty. The temperature was lower than usual, but that would most likely be due to the frozen sense of loneliness in Remus’ stomach. The ice that had returned around his bones was melted away by the burning desire to go to sleep, forcing him to drag his feet to his bedroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as he swung the door open, he really wished he hadn’t. The closet door was open, along with drawers that he knew were designated for all of Sirius’ clothes. The nightstand on Sirius’ side of the bed had been cleared off of all his belongings. The room was barely recognizable with only Remus’ stuff in it, like he was looking at a life he never planned to live. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His body ached with pain similar to the feeling of running a marathon for the first time. TV static poked at his brain and crept down through every nerve ending in his body until it curled around his toes. Something heavy was held captive in his chest, pounding against each individual rib as if each heartbeat was threatening to break him into pieces. The melancholy feeling of heartbreak was pulling at his diaphragm until it pushed him face-first onto Sirius’ side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pillowcase was threaded with cotton and the scent of his shampoo. Remus buried his face into the once-familiar comfort that had now slipped beyond his reaches. With closed eyes, he allowed the warmth to grab him and pull him into the broken promises of the mattress. Every thought he had was muted by the familiarity of the bed and the air that was intoxicated by coconut shampoo. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus didn’t open his eyes the next morning when he realized he was awake, still wearing his suit and dress shoes. He basked in the distant reality that was 24 hours earlier when he was waking up next to Sirius with an arm around his waist. No amount of time could prepare him for the weight settling back into his body, the captor inside him rattling his ribcage. After a handful of minutes, or maybe an hour, he realized that the pounding that was hitting against his eardrums wasn’t his own heartbeat. It was coming from the living room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stood, avoiding making eye contact with the mirror on the opposite wall, and trudged his way over to the front door. He still wasn’t completely acting with his own brain, every movement was planned for him before he even knew he was moving. Halfway across the living room, he could hear the voices outside his door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marlene.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Knock. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Marls.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Knock. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“Marlene.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Knock.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Please, you’re going to wake up the entire apartment building.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opened the door before Marlene responded. Her fist was raised in the air, poised for another unnecessary banging and her mouth hung open waiting for her retort to slip out. For a second, the corners of her mouth turned up and there was joy in her eyes, but then it fled as quickly as it came and the look of a stern mother jumped into its place. She pushed past him and walked straight to the middle of his living room, where she promptly turned on her heel and crossed her arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Dorcas,” Remus addressed the girl left in Marlene’s angry wake. She was timidly playing with the rings on her slender fingers. She stepped over the threshold and said, “Hey Lupin,” with a smirk and a hand on his shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt like a suburban widow being brought casseroles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you go deaf since we last spoke?” Remus shut the door and then followed it to the wall as if leaning all his weight against it would make his chest lighter. He sat there for a moment with his eyes closed and his left forearm leaning on the doorknob. Marlene’s laser eyes were fixed on him, but they softened as soon as she watched him lean on the door like a crutch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I was asleep. How long have you been here?” For the first time since his brain turned on this morning, he checked his phone. It was 10:26 in the morning. He had slept for almost 12 hours, and in that timespan had missed multiple calls and texts from Lily, James, his mother, his sister, and Marlene. Tucking his phone away, he told himself that he would get back to his sister first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I lost track of time. Could have been seconds, minutes, maybe years.” Marlene shrugged dramatically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus shook out his shoulders and allowed the gears in his brain to direct him across the living room to his couch. Marlene followed to the other end of the couch, facing Remus with her legs tucked into her chest. Dorcas rested on the arm behind her and darted her eyes around the room, carefully avoiding looking at Remus like this was a pity party.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My bad. Got home late, fell right into bed.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re still wearing your suit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” He had forgotten about the suit. Truthfully, he had forgotten he was wearing clothes at all, or that he had fallen asleep. Or that he was even a human being.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I watched him leave.” The sentence cut straight through his heart and shivered through all his veins. Her tone was steady, very matter of fact as though she was telling a fact about wildlife, but traced around the edges with worry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite the clutching at his chest telling him that he should never breathe again, he laughed. The laugh was empty, and the hollowness of it almost made him nauseous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So did I.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rem-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Marls. I don’t even know why I thought of asking. I knew what he wanted.” Dorcas and Marlene now shared the kind of look that made you feel like you were standing on the outside of a store with no money in your pockets. Silent words crossed an invisible tightrope stretched between their eyes. He watched them decide on which words would remain muted and which would travel through the air.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sirius didn’t want to get married. He wanted to get married to </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The careful emphasis on her last word clearly communicated what she meant by this. Sirius hadn’t wanted to get married unless it was to Remus. Remus was the exception. For the smallest, borderline microscopic second, his heart lifted. Then the meaning of the words set in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sirius didn’t want to get married. He wanted to get married to </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. But his shoes still walked off that balcony. His voice, once the mixologist of reassurance and sweet nothings, still puddled into Remus’ brain in the form of “I can’t”.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius wanted to marry him. But he </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He tried to wrap these words around his brain. He stared hard at his living room carpet-- carpet that Sirius had picked out-- and tried to engrave this fact into the walls of his heart. They bounced off every time like they weren’t meant to be there. They were wrong, and his body knew it. Sirius didn’t want Remus, and the sight of a small velvet ring box is what answered the question he didn’t even know he’d been asking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus would have to be okay with that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Re?” His eyes snapped back up to Marlene. He stared into her beauty and tried to use it as an anchor back to earth, to an earth that did still have light in it. He looked at her amber eyes and thought about the flecks of darker brown that peppered around the pupils. He looked at her rings with their multicolored gemstones, her shirt, and the way it contrasted her pale skin.  Then he again drifted his eyes to survey his living room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rug Sirius had picked out, the armchair Sirius had sat in, the TV Sirius had watched, ceramic tiles that Remus and Sirius had painted on a date, Sirius’ empty glass on the coffee table. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you could take half your clothes and belongings and a little piece of my soul but you couldn’t even put the glass in the sink?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” His voice was so much smaller than he wanted it to be. He sounded like a child after falling off their bicycle for the first time, insisting that they could do it if they could just get on </span>
  <em>
    <span>one more time</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew Marlene knew he was lying, but he didn’t worry about it. Marlene understood him in a way that was foreign to him. She didn’t quite read him like Lily did, or perch herself on top of his heart and feel every emotion as it came through his body like she did, but she always knew. She knew what he needed when he needed it. If he was silently screaming at her in his head to not go, to stay and cradle him like a child while his body shook with sobs, she would hear him. Right now, he wanted to be alone, and she heard it in the two words he spoke. She saw it in the pads of his thumbs rubbing together, the veil over his eyes as he stared at the glass on the table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So she stood, quietly, and kissed him on the forehead. Remus closed his eyes at the comforting touch only to be snapped back open when Sirius’ face was projected on the back of his eyelids. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Call me when you’re feeling better, kay? And text me if you need anything.” Her tone was amiable, the hand cradling the back of his head was maternal. He nodded as a reflex with his eyes still trained on the glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of his eye, Marlene pulled back and grabbed Dorcas’ hand to lead her to the door. Their footsteps receded, then the front door clicked shut, but both were hushed noises that resembled a faraway TV show. That’s what this was, Remus thought. This was just a bad soap opera playing behind a store’s display window, and he could walk away at any moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tried to process what Marlene had said to him in her short visit. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He wanted to marry </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He wanted to marry </span>
  </em>
  <span>you. It didn’t make any sense. He felt like he was back in maths with an exceptionally difficult problem sitting in front of him in the shape of a forgotten glass on a coffee table, which his eyes couldn’t pull away from. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus began to construct a list in his head in a poor attempt to organize himself. </span>
</p><ol>
<li><span>Sirius wanted to marry Remus, and Marlene knew that.</span></li>
<li><span>Sirius must have talked to Marlene (among others, probably) about his plans to marry Remus.</span></li>
<li><span>Sirius left.</span></li>
<li><span>Sirius is gone.</span></li>
</ol><p> </p><p>
  <span>The list was useless. Nothing added up. He was playing tug of war in his own brain, a hopeful idiot pulling the rope against a hollow realist. Sirius's voice, his faint refusal, fused with Marlene’s tempting optimism in poison vines around his neck until he felt he couldn’t breathe. The commotion inside his body was overpowering each of his senses, everything was yelling and screaming incoherent truths in different forms. A civil war was brewing inside him, buzzing and stabbing, crying and cheering. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes hadn’t left the glass. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His brain was too caught up in the warring sides to process his movements. In one continuous motion, he got to his feet and pelted it against the wall above his television. The sound of the glass breaking into a million pieces acted as a mute button on his thoughts. The war was over: The realist had won. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius didn’t want him. Not anymore. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. flannel cure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>basically just remus getting sad about random objects in his apartment</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes were transfixed on the shattered glass scattered on his living room floor. For the first time, he didn’t feel alone. Something finally knew how he felt, scattered in pieces across a floor, broken at the hands of someone who had taken such good care of you. He was hesitant to clean up the pieces because then the feeling of being the only broken thing on the planet would come back. Remus knew he was being ridiculous, it was just a glass, but connecting himself to something-- anything --made him feel human again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead of making any movement to clean the glass, Remus sat himself back on the couch and pulled his phone out. Three messages from his sister, two texts and two phone calls from his mother, seven texts from Lily, and only one call from Marlene. He went straight to his texts and wanted to kick himself when his eyes flicked down to Sirius’ name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>NOVA</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Yesterday, 10:25 pm</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>hey </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>soooo little awk but i spent like 30 bucks on the good champagne and clearly no one’s celebrating… still wanna split it </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>12:09 am </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>i think twin telepathy is real </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>LILS</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Yesterday, 10:05 pm</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Checking in </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is why i have ur location on u twit, u always forget to lmk when ur home</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>7:32 am </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody’s heard from siri</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Not that i care, of course. He can go fuck himself </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>8:54 am</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t be mad, but i texted ur fam. Hope was pestering me to know what happened, and i thought nova would faint with anticipation. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>9:24 am</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Marls is gonna check on u in an hour or so. Shes coming over here so she offered to stop by urs on the way.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Still no word from s. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>MUM</b>
</p><p>
  <span>Yesterday, 9:45 pm</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hey love!! How did it go???</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>9:00 am</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He responded to Nova first, partially because he knew she’d never try to pull feelings from him, but also because he really did want to split that bottle of champagne. He was also curious about her twin telepathy theory. Maybe she was feeling a bit like shattered glass, too. Maybe if he swept up the shards on the floor he still wouldn’t be the only one. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>10:47 am </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>stupid question, always down to split champagne. u can tell me more about ur telepathy </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was hesitant to respond to everybody else. In all of his low moments, he usually only wanted his sister. Maybe it was twin telepathy after all. Alongside his sister, however, he usually wanted Lily. She was always there for him in times when nobody else could be. She was his buoy in the middle of an endless ocean. While his sister never attempted to make him talk, Lily just waited until he was ready. Nova’s special talent was building a wall between herself and all the sadness in the world, while Lily’s was carving a door into the wall and leaving it unlocked just in case. They were two sides of the same coin, his two best girls. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His thumb hovered between Lily’s messages and his mother’s. He knew his mother was worried and he appreciated her text, but he was also scared of Lily’s reaction if he prolonged a response any longer. He decided on Lily’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>10:48 am</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>thanks for telling my folks, i dont think i couldve done it myself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After shooting his mom a quick “I love you too.”, he remembered what Lily had said in one of her texts: “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody’s heard from siri”. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He wondered if “nobody” included James, and if it did Remus might actually be worried in spite of himself. Then he shook his head as if that would toss that thought out of one of his ears and fling it across the living room. He didn’t want to be worried about Sirius. He never wanted to feel anything about or towards Sirius Black ever again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stalked over to his kitchen and threw his phone down on the counter. A wave of exhaustion suddenly washed over his head and hugged his entire body as he readied the coffee pot. Not the exhaustion where your eyes are droopy and you feel your movements slowing down, but the kind of exhaustion that sinks your body into the floor. The exhaustion that would never be cured by sleep because it sat in the depth of your heart. He didn’t long for his bed, or a hug from one of his friends. He didn’t want to be alone but the idea of company made his chest concave. The day before, Remus was so sure of everything he wanted, but now he stood in his kitchen with his hands on the counter supporting all of his weight, and he didn’t know if he wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The coffee maker in front of him stopped spitting coffee into his cup. He foggily moved to the fridge and was walking back with the creamer when he noticed he was getting a phone call from Lily. He shifted the bottle from his right hand to his left and grabbed the phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Lils,” He said as he slipped the phone between his shoulder and his ear like his mother always did. Remus found himself smiling slightly as soon as he had picked up, but his face broke open into a real smile when he heard James yelling incomprehensibly in the background.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Re! James and I feared you might’ve been dead!” Lily sounded so pleased to hear him that his chest almost felt lighter. He heard James call in the background, “I did not think he was dead! I thought he was kidnapped,” His voice grew louder as he came up to the speaker, “You’re too pretty to be walking the streets alone at night Moony.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Light bloomed in his chest and instantly loosened the grip of his ribs around his heart. With James and Lily’s laughter floating through his phone speakers, he felt like he would be okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Come over? Marls is here and we found a new horror movie to watch!” She pleaded. Remus still wasn’t sure of what he wanted, whether he’d rather stay at home alone or be in the warm comfort of his best friends. Either way, he’d still be alone deep in the crevices of his heart. Would he rather distract himself from the pain raking his entire body for a few hours, only to return back to his empty apartment, or sit alone and allow the walls of his living room to shatter him like the glass. He turned and looked at the shards of glass scattered around on his floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, can I be there in 30?” His response came before he had even decided. Lily shrieked in excitement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yay! Okay, I’m sending my servant--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I prefer the term handmaiden!” James cried from another room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think the proper term is Lily’s bitch,” Marlene responded. Her voice was closer than James’, but still a good distance away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That works!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“--to get snacks.” Lily continued. “Do you want anything specific my darling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus racked his brain while he walked to his room, coffee in hand. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My boyfriend back</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought bitterly. His heart squeezed at the sight of his room again, painfully empty of all things Sirius. Not so different from himself, matter of fact. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A chocolate bar,” was all he could come up with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah yeah I was already gonna buy you one. You’re predictable sometimes, you know that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t want to make your anxiety worse by keeping you guessing!” Remus was now looking in his closet for a clean shirt and trying to ignore Sirius’ scent that was wafting out whenever he moved a hanger. It was easy to ignore the pain when Lily and Marlene were giggling on the other end.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so good to me. If you’re not on your way in ten minutes I’m sending in SWAT. Love you, bye!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love you, bye,” He breathed out with a laugh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus decided after he tossed his phone on the bed that he would stop thinking before his actions. If he had thought too deeply about Lily’s invitation, he would still be victim to the creature drumming along his ribcage. Knowing he was going to see Lily and Marlene pulled one or two elastics off of his heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chose a hoodie and sweatpants and slipped on his shoes. In his numbed hurry to get to bed the night before, he had thrown his keys somewhere and now couldn’t find them. He was humming a song and trying his best to swallow every thought that threatened the feeling of being okay when the fabric caught his eye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The brown flannel with the rip in the left sleeve was slung over the back of his desk chair. The one thing Sirius had left behind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh fuck you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Remus thought. He picked up the shirt like it was a puzzle he had spent hours on and sat in the chair it had adorned. It was heavy with memories in his hands, the fabric felt hot beneath his thumbs like touching it was going to permanently scar him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing the flannel sent shockwaves through Remus’ entire being. His very soul rippled with the pain and shook under the pressure of what it could mean if it did mean anything at all. It was Sirius’ shirt. Not Remus’. All previous evidence points to the fact that Sirius made sure there was no trace he’d ever been there. If Remus had brought the cops in telling them that Sirius was a murderer, they would find no proof that he had even been alive in this apartment at all. The desk to which the chair belonged was cleared of Sirius on the surface, but it dawned on him that he had never checked the drawers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes lingered on the flannel and his movements were hesitant as he opened each drawer. First drawer, nothing. Second drawer, nothing. Final drawer, nothing. The flurry of emotion hit him straight in the chest and knocked him back into the chair. His head dropped back down to the shirt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sirius took everything. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Everything. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He took his favorite pens, notebooks he hadn’t written in yet, scrap pieces of paper with half-assed songs, even his fucking jar of pickles in the door of the fridge, but left this. The sun looked through the crack of the curtains and trained its stare to the flannel, turning the lighter of the browns into ground cinnamon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The scent that floated up from the fabric smelled like longing and drowned regrets. There was a love story written between the fibers and in the frayed hole in the sleeve. It was daunting and painful to stand on the edge between searching through memories and getting up to leave. Remus rubbed his thumb over a button and let himself fall off the edge. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We are not going outside.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“James you’ve played lacrosse in worse weather than this, mate.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah but I run in lacrosse, you pillock.” James crossed his arms around his chest like a defensive child. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then we can run.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want to run.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So it’s your own fault if you’re cold,” Sirius said smugly. James looked between him and Remus, then rolled his eyes and walked in the other direction. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where are you going?” Remus called. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“To get my jacket,” James grumbled. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Remus, Sirius, and Peter laughed at their triumph. They all knew why James, who was usually very enthusiastic about the cold, wanted to stay in the castle. Lily Evans was doing homework in the Great Hall. She was almost crying from excitement when she saw snowfall in November but had told Remus she had too much work to go outside. James insisted that he, too, had a lot of homework and needed to stay in, but after that was labeled as a poor excuse he began making up other excuses to be in the Great Hall. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>James rejoined the group with his coat and was shooting glances towards the Hall as they walked outside.  Sirius and Remus were walking with linked pinkies. Remus’ eyes were watching Peter and James throw small snowballs back and forth while Sirius’ were focused on the ground, where he was attempting to fall perfectly into step with Remus. The air was a gentle storm of snow and laughter, giving the entire world a false veil of utter bliss. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They reached a stop at the border of the forest where the trees were covering the ground from the snow. Peter sat against a tree and Remus and Sirius took their own seat against the tree across from him. James was pacing the space between the two trees, waving his hands and talking like he was giving an important monologue. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I really think she’s coming around this time, guys.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You said that last year,” Pete remarked.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh and the year before that,” Sirius added. He and Remus were both sitting with crossed legs with Remus’ knee overlapping with Sirius’ thigh. Sirius held Remus’ left hand in his own, palm to the sky, and was delicately tracing lines along the surface with his right. Remus watched him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No really! Now that I’m head boy, she sees me in a brand new light!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Prongs, I really think--” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Remus drowned out the rest of Peter’s response, as well as the remainder of their repetitive conversation. He was studying Sirius’ profile and marveling at the soft grin on his face. The smile barely took up any space but communicated so much happiness that it was shining out of every pore. He was startled when Sirius met his eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sirius’ eyes. God, he could talk about them for weeks on end. They were the color of the snowy sky that blanketed them now, as well as the sight of crashing waves. To the public eye, his stare was stone that could cut them, but to Remus, it was his warm bed at the end of a long day. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Aw, Re, you have your November flush going on.” Sirius’ voice was low, but Remus was sure that even if he had screamed he wouldn’t be heard because they were the only two people in the world at this moment. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My-” Remus cut himself off with laughter. “My what?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Every year when it gets cold, your face flushes every time you go outside. Usually starts around November, so I’ve deemed it--” he spread his hands in the air dramatically as if revealing a big portrait-- “Re’s November Flush.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Remus did feel his face heating up, but now it was due to the admiration and love he felt for the boy in front of him. He was still laughing, not because anything was funny, just because he didn’t know how else to express joy bubbling up through his entire body. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That is the most songwriter-type thing you have ever said to me, Siri.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know. But anyway, you have your flush. Are you cold?” Sirius’ face and tone were growing worried. For the first time since stepping outside Remus realized his fingertips and toe tips were numb and the cold wind was seeping into his skin and directly hitting his bones. He was freezing, actually. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A bit.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do not fret, damsel!” Sirius exclaimed in a royal voice, “I have your cure!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Without standing, he stripped off his coat to reveal a brown flannel underneath. Remus admired the swiftness in which he took the flannel off and then replaced it with his topmost coat. He extended the shirt out to Remus. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s not a normal flannel.” He said, “It’s wool so it’s extra thick.” His mouth and eyes were both smiling. Remus simply put the flannel on over his sweatshirt. The sleeves were longer than his own arms by a few inches, but the flannel did immediately cure his frozen state. Sirius’ body heat was still trapped in the fibers, and the love that was etched into the simple gesture was also working to heat him up. Sirius was watching him with a smile. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thanks, Siri.” Remus smiled then leaned back against the tree trunk, returning his gaze to James and Peter. Sirius slung an arm around his shoulders and leaned his head against Remus’.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s ours now, darling.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memory rang through his ears like the aftermath of an explosion. Since that day, the flannel had been a token to them. It was something they passed between them, one of the first things they truly shared before they graduated and moved in together. The rip in the sleeve held its own memory, though less sentimental, of Sirius getting stuck on a fence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sure, it was just a shirt, and to anyone else, it was just a memory Sirius didn’t need to take with him. But over the last six years, this flannel had meant something to them. After Sirius had called it his “cure”, that’s exactly what they had treated it as. It was their flag of surrender during fights, the anecdote if one of them was sad, a hug when it couldn’t physically be given. The one meaning to the shirt that occupied the frontmost part of Remus’ brain was an apology. The flannel was always left by whichever one of them was silently trying to say they were sorry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck you, Black. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The sadness dissolved to anger, ice being combed over and killed by the fire now raking under his skin. He threw the flannel on the floor next to their bedroom trash can and left for Lily’s with the shirt in the back of his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the november flush and the flannel is my personal interpretation of the corresponding lyrics i don't know if that's actually what the lyrics mean but yeah. please lmk your thoughts if u can because i crave validation</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is a happy chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being in Lily’s presence was like smelling an old book or smiling at a stranger. She was comfort and optimism, as well as a reality check when it was needed. Marlene’s presence was like laughter in a silent room or the world only being lit by a full moon. She was joy and hope, and a slightly harsher reality check. James was pure joy, Remus didn’t know how else to explain it. His presence was like watching a TV show from your childhood years later or acing a test that you were anxious for. He was nostalgia and happiness. </p><p> </p><p>Being with the three of them was exactly what Remus needed right now. </p><p> </p><p>“Re!!” Lily screamed when he walked through the door. She was preparing a plate of nachos on the island but dropped what she was holding to run over and embrace him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and his wrapped around her waist. It was a reflex to bury his face into the crook of her neck. Here, he was home.</p><p> </p><p>“Lupin! Long time no see, sexy,” Marlene called from the living room. Loud footsteps came running down the stairs, and in a few seconds, James was running to Remus and Lily like a golden retriever. </p><p> </p><p>“You guys are greeting me like I’m a war hero,” Remus said. James was now embracing both of them, and Remus’ head was trapped in the space between James and Lilys’. He truly did feel like the greeting was a little dramatic. A small piece of him thought it was from pity, but he drowned that out with the majority that never wanted the hug to end. If they held him tight enough, they could piece him back together. </p><p> </p><p>They pulled away after a few moments. Lily smiled up at him with words on her face, silently telling him that he was going to be okay. Then she squeezed his hand and walked back to her nacho preparation. James grabbed Remus’ face in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re <em> my </em>war hero Moony.” James’s voice and expression were both covered in mock seriousness. His face then broke into a smile and he kissed Remus on the forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“I hate when you do that.” James’ hands dropped from Remus’ face.</p><p> </p><p>“You love it.” He hit Remus playfully on the arm. </p><p> </p><p>Remus didn’t know why he asked his next question. He didn’t know why or how the words came out of his mouth. He didn’t want to know the answer, nor did he want to see how James’ smile fell into emotional turmoil. He looked like he was trying to forget the subject altogether, and Remus’ question pulled him back. </p><p> </p><p>“No word from Pads?” Sirius’ nickname sounded strange coming out of his mouth. He made an internal vow to never say the name again. It reminded him too much of their days at school, of walking with linked pinkies and touching knees at breakfast. The word was bitter in his mouth like the powder of a pill, and he found himself suddenly dehydrated with the need to wash it out. </p><p> </p><p>James hesitated. Remus almost envied his natural ability to hide his emotions. Over their seven years at Hogwarts, Remus had learned how to mask his feelings pretty well, but the people closest to him could still read him like a book. James, however, never really had to learn. He was always putting on strength for the rest of them and dealing with his emotions when he was ready. When they met, Remus was quick to blame it on his arrogance and naive enough to think that maybe he was just never upset. Soon after, he realized that James may have been childish but he was very emotionally mature in the way he handled all his problems. </p><p> </p><p>Remus had also learned over those seven years how to read James when he was trying to remain obscure. Now, he was angry and sad and maybe a little bit betrayed. His jaw clenched while his nostrils flared and his eyebrows knit together. The sadness was in his eyes, unfocused but still on Remus, and his shoulders, which had fallen at the words. </p><p> </p><p>He shoved his hands in his pockets, shrugged, and shook his head to return to his world of blissful ignorance, then said, “Nah.” He smiled after speaking and his eyes came back into focus, now looking like he had never been upset at all.</p><p> </p><p>“I assumed when Lily said nobody had heard, that didn’t include you.” Remus felt a little bit like an asshole saying that, but James only laughed. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, so did I. But you know him, he’s dramatic. Lily made me promise that we wouldn’t talk about Sirius today. Or at least until he decides to respond to one of us.” </p><p> </p><p>Remus’ heart sank down by a few inches. He didn’t want to be a pity party, having people avoid Sirius’ name just so they wouldn’t offend him. He thought he was stronger than breaking at the sound of a few syllables. Besides, the hole that Sirius left had been cemented in with anger, which was doubled now knowing that he was avoiding James too. </p><p> </p><p>James might’ve sensed he was feeling like this because he reached an arm out to Remus’ shoulder and guided him away from the door toward the living room. Marlene was playing Grand Theft Auto and they watched as she crashed into an 18-wheeler. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not because of you, mate,” James said before sitting on the couch. “Lily’s pissed at him and told me that if we talk about him too much the pure anger would affect the baby.”                                       </p><p> </p><p>“It’s science, I think,” Marlene added with her eyes still trained on the screen. James mumbled something along the lines of “fuck science” and then turned his attention back to Remus. </p><p> </p><p>“But she stresses that she’s going to get you to talk about it. Her exact words were,” he began doing air quotations “I will get that stubborn git to talk about his feelings or I will die trying.’ And you know she will, so please don’t kill my wife.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus laughed and took his seat between James and Marlene on the sofa, moving his bag from his shoulder to the spot between his feet. </p><p> </p><p>“No!” The couch-dwellers jumped when Lily yelled from the kitchen. James sat up straighter as if he was ready to jump to her assistance that very second. They watched as Lily stormed over to the living room. </p><p> </p><p>“Remus John Lupin what is in that bag?” She demanded. </p><p> </p><p>“Papers I have to grade, why?” Remus was feeling frightened. Sensing that there was no real danger, James relaxed back into the cushion and watched the television again. Marlene was looking between Lily, Remus, and his bag while the Camaro she had stolen sat in the middle of a road. </p><p> </p><p>“I told you he’d bring work,” Marlene directed towards Lily, who rolled her eyes and grabbed the bag. </p><p> </p><p>“What are you--” Remus began and tried to grab his bag to keep it in front of him, but James restrained him and Lily was slightly stronger than he was, so he lost. </p><p> </p><p>“No work! This is a relaxing day. I’m not even working, and I’m always working!” She walked back over to the kitchen and tossed his bag on a chair at the island.</p><p> </p><p>“But Li-”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“I have t-”</p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p> “I told the ki-”</p><p> </p><p>“No. I have a new case I should be working on but I am currently making nachos so we can all watch a movie. Sometimes people deserve a break!” Her tone was scarily resembling that of a mother.</p><p> </p><p>“Actually technically she’s being a hypocrite because she woke up at six in the morning and started working on it. She woke me up at nine so she could get my opinion on it,” James butted in. He was laughing until Lily gave him a look that caused him to abruptly stop. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s this one about?” Remus was hoping it would steer her away from accusing him of using work to ignore his problems.</p><p> </p><p>“Some dude was found in the bathroom at a murder scene. Young woman is dead and he has a super obvious motive. I’m almost 100% sure it was him. The weapon was literally in the kitchen, which is between the bathroom and where the body was found. Not to mention there’s a window in the bathroom and it was open, meaning he was probably trying to climb out. It’s a super easy case, I could probably win it blindfolded.” </p><p> </p><p>Remus loved hearing Lily talk about her court cases, and he admired how she was always so confident in what she was doing. Next to him, James had his elbow on the arm of the couch and his chin his hand and he was staring at Lily the way a child looks at their favorite movie. Remus felt a sort of grief in his stomach at the look he used to receive then diverted his eyes to look back at Lily. </p><p> </p><p>“You could win every case blindfolded. Kinda unfair to the rest of the lawyers.” Lily laughed and rolled her eyes as the oven beeped. She called James over to help her with something, not noticing that he was halfway to the kitchen before she spoke. </p><p> </p><p>Marlene leaned back to be shoulder-to-shoulder with Remus and handed him a second controller. He was confused until he noticed she had switched games to a Lego game. </p><p> </p><p>“How did you lose Dorcas between my house and Lily’s?” Remus noticed Dorcas’ absence now because he thought that it had officially been too long for her to have been in the bathroom when he arrived. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh Mary lives somewhere in between you two and Dorcas wanted to go see her and I wanted to say hi so I dropped her off at Mary’s.” Remus smiled at the mention of Mary. His heart also ached slightly for Marlene. He couldn’t imagine that your ex and your current girlfriend being friends was an easy situation. </p><p> </p><p>“How is she? Mary?” There was a pause in conversation as Marlene was trying to figure something out in the game, but Remus wondered if the pause was also her hesitating to answer the question. </p><p> </p><p>“She’s good! Did you know she got a dog?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, she posted that. What happened to her last boyfriend?”</p><p> </p><p>“He didn’t like the dog.” Marlene shrugged before they both erupted in laughter. Remus admired Marlene’s easygoing nature that she had whenever Mary was mentioned. Something deep inside him told him that their breakup wasn’t really the end for the two of them. They were the kind of love that always bounced back. </p><p> </p><p>“Remus!” Lily called in a singsong voice. James had his back turned and was chopping something up on the counter and Lily was now standing in the hall between the living room and the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes, mom?” </p><p> </p><p>“Come with me.” Her head jerked toward the staircase. Remus’ smile faltered for a half-second, dragged down by the knowledge that he was going to have to talk about his feelings.</p><p> </p><p>“Why? Am I grounded or something?” He asked as he stood up. Marlene looked scandalized at him placing his controller down on the couch before she, too, realized Lily was in therapist mode and called James over to play in his place.</p><p> </p><p>Lily smiled and began walking up the stairs as James passed her on his way to the living room. He gave a smile to Remus, who began to wonder if his expression reflected how hard he was trying to come up with things to say. <em> Oh, I’m fine, Lils, yeah, </em> He thought to himself, <em> aside from the deep hole cut into my chest by a steak knife.  </em></p><p> </p><p>He followed her upstairs to the sound of James and Marlene arguing over who was going to be player one (“I live here!” “Exactly, so be polite to your guest!”). The thought crossed his mind that the last time he walked up these stairs it had been with a fluttering heart and a skip in his step. Now his head watched his feet and it took all his energy to go up one step. </p><p> </p><p>Lily led him into the library, and another thought burst its way through his brain that Lily may have been purposely avoiding her own bedroom and the balcony where his broken heart had floated in pieces up to the stars. </p><p> </p><p>“Sit.” She pulled the sliding barn door closed behind her and followed Remus to the couches in front of the fireplace with no fire. She sat on the couch facing the one where he sat and sat cross-legged and focused.</p><p> </p><p>The room was bright with sunlight that came through a window and looked directly at them. His eyes went everywhere but Lily’s-- her desk, significantly messier than it had been last night, the books all tucked snuggly into the shelves, the framed flowers from her wedding that she had pressed onto homemade paper-- and he waited for her to speak first. </p><p> </p><p>“Talk to me.” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine.” His eyes now went to his hands intertwined in the space between his legs. His peripheral vision showed him Lily getting up from her couch and rounding the coffee table to sit next to him. </p><p> </p><p>“Remus.” Her voice wasn’t forcing him to speak or angry at him for avoiding it. She was almost pleading with him, like Alice trying to open the small locked door with no key. Now he turned to face her. </p><p> </p><p>She was turned towards him with an arm on the back of the sofa propping up her head. Her eyes were writing a poem of worry and screaming the words out to him and her bottom lip was tucked under her teeth like it is when she’s doing her work. He held her eyes for a moment until he felt them piercing his own and drawing tears. </p><p> </p><p>“I-” He was speaking to his hands now. How was he supposed to explain how he was feeling? This was Lily, his best friend and-- as she tells him as much as she can-- most likely his twin-flame. He could tell her anything. He could spill all of his emotions out onto this coffee table and she would mop them up and hold them with her forever. Telling her something was like writing it in a note and putting it in a safe that then gets thrown into the ocean of her unfathomably kind heart. </p><p> </p><p>The only problem with talking to her right now was the words. Here he was, a fucking <em> English professor </em> and he couldn’t get a word out to save his life. Hurt didn’t even begin to dip into it. He wasn’t numb but he wasn’t sad. He was angry, but that word was too simple to describe the burning in his body. He took a deep, shaky breath that made his head dizzy and his nerves blurry. </p><p> </p><p>“He had six years. He had my entire heart in his bony little hands for six years and now he decided to drop it.” Once the words came out, he couldn’t stop them from continuing. </p><p> </p><p>“What did he think was going to happen? We were just going to stay boyfriends forever like we’re trapped in some high school rom-com? I really spent six years of my life thinking that this man loved me with everything he had. I put so much goddamn trust into him like he was a bungee cord. How long do you think he knew we’d never get married? When do you think he decided that I wasn’t his plan? </p><p> </p><p>“You want to know how I feel, Lily? Okay. I feel sick. I feel like all the air has been deflated from my lungs. I feel empty and sick because I hate him for walking off that balcony without giving me a reason. I hate him for thinking he can just disappear afterward like none of us exist. I hate him for being everything I wanted and making me feel like gum he spit onto the sidewalk. I hate him with everything I have because he <em> was </em>everything I had.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus took another deep breath and stole a side glance at Lily. She didn’t look scared of his rising anger or sympathetic like he was an abandoned dog. Her expression was now telling him to continue and urging him to speak until his voice died out with the sun. </p><p> </p><p>“His stuff is all gone. All of it. It’s like he was never even here. Like I was just a stop for some food on his way to a better destination. He left the flannel, though.” He faintly heard Lily make a noise resembling a gasp or maybe a scoff, but now the anger was roaring in his ears and making him deaf to the outside world. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, he left the fucking flannel behind just sitting on the desk chair. And yes, it’s just a shirt. But it-”</p><p> </p><p>“Can we burn it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Wh- Lily no!” Remus' head snapped up to see she was smiling now. Despite himself, he smiled back. “You fucking arsonist.” </p><p> </p><p>“You’ll come around to the idea. Continue, please.”</p><p> </p><p>He let out a breathy laugh and continued to let the words fall with no parachute.</p><p> </p><p>“I hate him because I love him. He cut me up into little tiny pieces and I still love him with every single one. It’s not fair. I did everything right and he still didn’t want me in the end. And that’s what that was, I guess. The end.”</p><p> </p><p>There were silent streams of tears now slipping down his face. He noticed his hands were shaking now and his leg was bouncing up and down without his control. He buried his face in his hands to try and stop the shaking and wipe the tears, but the tears that were wiped away were replaced soon after and there was no stopping it. He leaned back against the couch and let his head fall to the side to face Lily. She looked sad in the way that a puppy does when you leave for work. He smiled softly at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you remember when he asked you out?” She asked. Her voice was drowned in a memory. The hand that was holding up her own head fell to Remus’ hair and he felt like the touch immediately steadied him. Tension that he didn’t realize was tightening his entire body melted away like hot wax pooling onto the floor. </p><p> </p><p>He nodded. Of course he remembered it. The memory was burned into him like a scar that he could never cover up and hurt all the same. The ache of longing that had become familiar to him by now returned to his chest and swam around leisurely. He couldn’t understand why Lily chose to bring it up, and for a second all of his anger at Sirius chose to direct itself towards her before he realized she probably had a point somewhere in the future.</p><p> </p><p>“You guys had been mad at each other all day. Of course, I still hated James at that point, but I was coming around.” She smiled fondly, her eyes distantly looking at her hand in Remus’ hair. “So I talked to him about it and he didn’t know what was wrong either, said you just woke up mad at each other. We assumed you guys had been in a fight and since you’re both stubborn little toerags we decided to leave it be. Why <em> were </em> you mad at each other? I never found out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I told him he should be nicer to his brother, so he told me off saying that I didn’t understand because my home life was perfect. He later found out that wasn’t true and apologized, but I still got pissed. I called him a coward and told him he would never have the guts to ever show his feelings. I wasn’t just talking about the brother thing, though. We had had a few obvious moments before then and I was getting fed up with him being confusing,” Remus explained fondly. Immersing himself into this memory was digging a deeper hole in his chest but also providing the illusion of joy.</p><p> </p><p>“Ohh. That makes a <em> lot </em> of sense. Okay anyways, so you were mad at each other, and then James won his lacrosse game and there was the mandatory after-game party. Sirius wasn’t drinking and I remember James asked him why and he responded by saying he had something big to do that night. Then, being the little dramatic he is, he stood up on the table and said-”</p><p> </p><p>“To whom it may concern, my name is Sirius Orion Black and I have a crush on Remus John Lupin that consumes everything I do and makes it hard to breathe around him. I’m an asshole, but I would rather die than think that he would agree. So Lupin, will you please let me be your boyfriend until you hate me?” Remus finished the story for her. He had memorized that entire speech, the hand movements made while he spoke, the volume and tone of his voice. </p><p> </p><p>He had also written that speech down and had intended to recite it on the balcony. Lily was smiling with love in the lines of her face and melancholy in her eyes. Remus still couldn’t grasp why this memory was being shared.</p><p> </p><p>“You yelled yes from the crowd and he ran over and kissed you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Technically I yelled ‘duh’, actually.” </p><p> </p><p>Remus played the image of Sirius’ smile and the way he jumped off the table as if it had caught on fire. His heart beat a little faster and his face broke into a smile at the memory of Sirius running as fast as he could towards him, not caring who was looking. The feeling of Sirius’ hands on either side of his face as he whispered “Can I kiss you now? I’ve been waiting a few years.” and Remus’ eager nod. Everyone else in the room faded away as their lips had met for the first time and the only emotion in Remus’ chest was love.</p><p> </p><p>Lily took her hand out of Remus’ hair and leaned forward off of the back of the couch. Her hands reached up to wipe the tears from his eyes and then stayed on the sides of his face, the same loving touch from the distant memory.</p><p> </p><p>“That just doesn’t sound like someone who would write your ending.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>most of it was a happy chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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